My husband bought me my own domain name for valentines day! So I will be moving to this new location and primarily posting there. Please join me!
http://thoughtfulmomma.com/
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
On Vaccines and Science
This is a rant, you are warned, lol.
I have been reading lots of blogs (as always) and I keep coming across articles that really get under my skin.
*deep breath* I have been posting articles about vaccines for years, reading, studying, learning, researching. I ask questions and I have been a non-vaxer for most of my mom-hood. That said: I AM A VACCINATING MOM.
And you know what? I'm STILL going to keep posting the articles, the questions and the criticisms. I'm really getting tired of the snotty, nose in the air "It's science" posts. People, listen: I'm not stupid, inarticulate, paranoid, hysterical or religiously driven and neither are most of the non-vax or delayed-vax parents I know!
You fully support vaccines and are a die-hard believer in their safety and efficacy? Great, bully for you. They will NEVER get better, be more effective and less dangerous if everyone thought like that, though. So I will continue to be critical, mistrustful and questioning. I will NOT settle for what we have now. Continue bitching all you want about the people that "don't respect/understand/trust science". The FACTS are that the science is NEW. Scientifically, we must acknowledge that there are huge, gaping holes in our knowledge! The fact that vaccines may, in fact, be one of the biggest breakthroughs in scientific history does NOT negate that fact that it's currently still in a very experimental state. Those of us that question, demand answers and seek to protect our children as best as we can are NOT idiots! It's unfortunate that so many of the actual hystericals are so loud and of course, made even louder by the media. That said, snootily poo-pooing a huge list of concerns (NOT AUTISM) because one element has chosen a ridiculous flag to rally around is just plain irresponsible. The concerns are real, there for a reason and need to be addressed.
I vaccinate. I'm not 100% comfortable with it and I NEVER WILL BE until the long list of issues is fully taken care of. IMO, NONE of us SHOULD be. Progress is never made by people settling for what's "good enough". Peh.
Oh and one more thing. Please, PLEASE quit insisting that non-vaxers and delayed-vaxers put the population at risk. Until vaccines are 100% effective, this is a RETARDED argument. It makes NO sense to single out the small population of non-vaxers and blame THEM when the realities are that vaccines are anywhere from 50% up effective. We don't KNOW who is still not immune, even after vaccinations. Many upon many more people and children are vaccinated than not which means that the "risk" people in the vaxed camp far outweigh the "risk" people in the NOT vaxed camp. Simple, yes, but still true. If people are going to post snotty articles about idiots that don't respect "science" the they really ought to think about all the angels of their argument.
Incidentally this post isn't directed at anyone specific, I don't even know or regularly read the people that posted most of the things I'm blabbering about. I'm just sick to death of the general mentality being that people like me are paranoid morons. I'm not saying the paranoid morons don't exist! I'm just saying MOST of us are NOT them. There are just as many paranoid idiots running around on the "other side of the fence" UGH!!!
I have been reading lots of blogs (as always) and I keep coming across articles that really get under my skin.
*deep breath* I have been posting articles about vaccines for years, reading, studying, learning, researching. I ask questions and I have been a non-vaxer for most of my mom-hood. That said: I AM A VACCINATING MOM.
And you know what? I'm STILL going to keep posting the articles, the questions and the criticisms. I'm really getting tired of the snotty, nose in the air "It's science" posts. People, listen: I'm not stupid, inarticulate, paranoid, hysterical or religiously driven and neither are most of the non-vax or delayed-vax parents I know!
You fully support vaccines and are a die-hard believer in their safety and efficacy? Great, bully for you. They will NEVER get better, be more effective and less dangerous if everyone thought like that, though. So I will continue to be critical, mistrustful and questioning. I will NOT settle for what we have now. Continue bitching all you want about the people that "don't respect/understand/trust science". The FACTS are that the science is NEW. Scientifically, we must acknowledge that there are huge, gaping holes in our knowledge! The fact that vaccines may, in fact, be one of the biggest breakthroughs in scientific history does NOT negate that fact that it's currently still in a very experimental state. Those of us that question, demand answers and seek to protect our children as best as we can are NOT idiots! It's unfortunate that so many of the actual hystericals are so loud and of course, made even louder by the media. That said, snootily poo-pooing a huge list of concerns (NOT AUTISM) because one element has chosen a ridiculous flag to rally around is just plain irresponsible. The concerns are real, there for a reason and need to be addressed.
I vaccinate. I'm not 100% comfortable with it and I NEVER WILL BE until the long list of issues is fully taken care of. IMO, NONE of us SHOULD be. Progress is never made by people settling for what's "good enough". Peh.
Oh and one more thing. Please, PLEASE quit insisting that non-vaxers and delayed-vaxers put the population at risk. Until vaccines are 100% effective, this is a RETARDED argument. It makes NO sense to single out the small population of non-vaxers and blame THEM when the realities are that vaccines are anywhere from 50% up effective. We don't KNOW who is still not immune, even after vaccinations. Many upon many more people and children are vaccinated than not which means that the "risk" people in the vaxed camp far outweigh the "risk" people in the NOT vaxed camp. Simple, yes, but still true. If people are going to post snotty articles about idiots that don't respect "science" the they really ought to think about all the angels of their argument.
Incidentally this post isn't directed at anyone specific, I don't even know or regularly read the people that posted most of the things I'm blabbering about. I'm just sick to death of the general mentality being that people like me are paranoid morons. I'm not saying the paranoid morons don't exist! I'm just saying MOST of us are NOT them. There are just as many paranoid idiots running around on the "other side of the fence" UGH!!!
Shanghai: How to play
I love playing cards and this game, Shanghai, is easily my favorite. My father taught me how to play this game when I was 10 or 11yrs old. He and my mother still play this game and have played it pretty much for as long as I can remember. I've taught all of my friends how to play (and subsequently had my arse kicked repeatedly) so I thought it might be fun to share it with all of you!
Ok! For starters, you need three full decks of cards, including all the jokers!
If the game includes more than 5 people, you must add another deck of cards (or it won't work).
The object of the game is to complete the six hands with the least amount of points.
Basic gameplay:
Players are each dealt 11 cards. A players turn begins with them drawing a card. They may choose to draw this card from either the discard pile or the deck. Their turns ends when they discard a card. When the objective of the hand is reached, the player has the option of "going down on the board". They canNOT do this unless they have reached that hand's objective (For example: The 2nd hand of the game has the objective of 1set 1run. A player cannot go on the board with only 1 set, they must have both a set AND a run to go down). A player wins the hand by getting rid of all of their cards (and she must play to go out, she cannot discard her last card but I'll get back to that). Cards are gotten rid of by playing them on the board or discarding them.
At the end of a hand, all players with cards still left in their hands must add up the points and they are recorded. After the six hands are completed, the player with the *least* total points (from all six hands) has won the game.
Now for details.
Points: Each card has an assigned point value based on it's face.
2-8= 5pts
9-King- 10 pts
Aces- 20pts
Jokers- 50pts
Cards:
Aces are always high and there is no "around the world" on the board.
Jokers are wild cards and can be anything. Players cannot create a set out of three jokers and all runs must have at least two face cards (no runs that are three jokers and a 2, for example).
Hands:
1 set 1 run
2 sets
3 sets
2 sets 1 run
2 runs 1 set
3 runs
Objective details:
Sets: A set is made up of 3 or more cards that have the same face value. Suits do not have to match, though.
Runs: Runs are made up of 4 or more cards of the same suit.
Buying: Obviously, during gameplay, cards are going to come up that players want but can't have because it's not their turn. This is where buying comes in. Players may "buy" the card they want, at the cost of drawing 2 extra cards along with it, as long as no one else that comes before them in the rotation wants to buy it first. Players can only buy twice per hand (if they do so, they'll know it as they will have 17cards in their hand, 14 if they've only bought once). Buying is no longer an option once a player has reached objective and is on the board.
Going out: Now, in order for a hand to be completed, obviously, someone has to go out. In order to do this, the player must have gotten rid of all of the cards in their hand, either by playing them on their own board or on the cards of other players. Players may NOT discard out. The final card must be played on the board.
Which brings us to the three different ways to go out. There is "playing out", as is mentioned above, going out "all at once" which is where the player reaches objective, puts it down on the board and then plays all of the rest of her cards all at once around the board, and of course, there is "Shanghai". It's only a Shanghai if the player puts all of the cards in her hand down on her own board (I.e: all 11-17 cards are part of the hand objective). Shanghai doesn't award anything special except the looks of surprise and dismay on your friend's faces and possibly catching another player with a hand loaded with points.
Now, when my friends and I play, one person keeps score for everyone else and adds up all the points at the end an announces the winner. Thus commences much bragging, name-calling and teasing, then we start all over again. This game is perfect for an evening of fun (and ribbing) and is my favorite way to relax with my friends. What are some of your favorite ways to let your hair down?
Ok! For starters, you need three full decks of cards, including all the jokers!
If the game includes more than 5 people, you must add another deck of cards (or it won't work).
The object of the game is to complete the six hands with the least amount of points.
Basic gameplay:
Players are each dealt 11 cards. A players turn begins with them drawing a card. They may choose to draw this card from either the discard pile or the deck. Their turns ends when they discard a card. When the objective of the hand is reached, the player has the option of "going down on the board". They canNOT do this unless they have reached that hand's objective (For example: The 2nd hand of the game has the objective of 1set 1run. A player cannot go on the board with only 1 set, they must have both a set AND a run to go down). A player wins the hand by getting rid of all of their cards (and she must play to go out, she cannot discard her last card but I'll get back to that). Cards are gotten rid of by playing them on the board or discarding them.
At the end of a hand, all players with cards still left in their hands must add up the points and they are recorded. After the six hands are completed, the player with the *least* total points (from all six hands) has won the game.
Now for details.
Points: Each card has an assigned point value based on it's face.
2-8= 5pts
9-King- 10 pts
Aces- 20pts
Jokers- 50pts
Cards:
Aces are always high and there is no "around the world" on the board.
Jokers are wild cards and can be anything. Players cannot create a set out of three jokers and all runs must have at least two face cards (no runs that are three jokers and a 2, for example).
Hands:
1 set 1 run
2 sets
3 sets
2 sets 1 run
2 runs 1 set
3 runs
Objective details:
Sets: A set is made up of 3 or more cards that have the same face value. Suits do not have to match, though.
Runs: Runs are made up of 4 or more cards of the same suit.
Buying: Obviously, during gameplay, cards are going to come up that players want but can't have because it's not their turn. This is where buying comes in. Players may "buy" the card they want, at the cost of drawing 2 extra cards along with it, as long as no one else that comes before them in the rotation wants to buy it first. Players can only buy twice per hand (if they do so, they'll know it as they will have 17cards in their hand, 14 if they've only bought once). Buying is no longer an option once a player has reached objective and is on the board.
Going out: Now, in order for a hand to be completed, obviously, someone has to go out. In order to do this, the player must have gotten rid of all of the cards in their hand, either by playing them on their own board or on the cards of other players. Players may NOT discard out. The final card must be played on the board.
Which brings us to the three different ways to go out. There is "playing out", as is mentioned above, going out "all at once" which is where the player reaches objective, puts it down on the board and then plays all of the rest of her cards all at once around the board, and of course, there is "Shanghai". It's only a Shanghai if the player puts all of the cards in her hand down on her own board (I.e: all 11-17 cards are part of the hand objective). Shanghai doesn't award anything special except the looks of surprise and dismay on your friend's faces and possibly catching another player with a hand loaded with points.
Now, when my friends and I play, one person keeps score for everyone else and adds up all the points at the end an announces the winner. Thus commences much bragging, name-calling and teasing, then we start all over again. This game is perfect for an evening of fun (and ribbing) and is my favorite way to relax with my friends. What are some of your favorite ways to let your hair down?
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Tater Tots, Bacon and Eggs
It's so tempting to try to craft a blog, here, that captures the "image" of a down to earth, crunchy mama. So many people seem to think of me that way anyway and I never intentionally meant for that to be. But the truth is that I suck at lying, never have been good at it so I'm afraid what you're going to get is the hodge-podge of ME that I really am, with my fattening junk food, my meat loving diet and my kids that run around half naked (like little hippies) with a hot-dog in one hand a *shudder* HFC containing garbage in the other (I really didn't buy it for them!).
Today it's Valentine's Day (both of my daughters INSIST that it's actually ValeMTIMES Day) and I wanted to do something special for my family. So I'm making a deliciously unhealthy breakfast. The bacon isn't even finished cooking that and the girls have eaten half the tater-tots already! I loved the delighted little faces when they first discovered bite-sized hash browns. I don't know why but my kids LOVE them! So does my husband, he literally did a little *GLEE* squee when he saw the bag of 'tots I brought home from the store, lol.
Yeah, I know, I know, it's not GOOD for them! Neither is the delicious maple-bacon behind me, sizzling away on the stove. The eggs won't be either, because I AM going to cook them in the bacon fat! I don't get a chance to thoroughly spoil them rotten like this very often so imagine my pleasure at reading their happy little faces over greasy, nasty food. :)
I don't know, for some reason I just wanted to blog about my happy little girls, my little family, tucked away in the snow today. I started this blog to be brainy and run with the "big girls" and now I think that's dumb. I suppose my blog is sort of evolving here so bear with me, please, while I figure it out!
Anyway, A very Happy Valemtimes's Day to all of you!
Today it's Valentine's Day (both of my daughters INSIST that it's actually ValeMTIMES Day) and I wanted to do something special for my family. So I'm making a deliciously unhealthy breakfast. The bacon isn't even finished cooking that and the girls have eaten half the tater-tots already! I loved the delighted little faces when they first discovered bite-sized hash browns. I don't know why but my kids LOVE them! So does my husband, he literally did a little *GLEE* squee when he saw the bag of 'tots I brought home from the store, lol.
Yeah, I know, I know, it's not GOOD for them! Neither is the delicious maple-bacon behind me, sizzling away on the stove. The eggs won't be either, because I AM going to cook them in the bacon fat! I don't get a chance to thoroughly spoil them rotten like this very often so imagine my pleasure at reading their happy little faces over greasy, nasty food. :)
I don't know, for some reason I just wanted to blog about my happy little girls, my little family, tucked away in the snow today. I started this blog to be brainy and run with the "big girls" and now I think that's dumb. I suppose my blog is sort of evolving here so bear with me, please, while I figure it out!
Anyway, A very Happy Valemtimes's Day to all of you!
Friday, February 12, 2010
Did you pop yet?
Have you had that baby yet?
Click the link! It's hilarious! There is nothing quite as irritating as trying to round up your gestation in peace and being constantly hounded about having the baby. Next time someone sends you an annoying "Where's the baby?" post, send them this. No idea who to credit but it sure got me laughing!
Click the link! It's hilarious! There is nothing quite as irritating as trying to round up your gestation in peace and being constantly hounded about having the baby. Next time someone sends you an annoying "Where's the baby?" post, send them this. No idea who to credit but it sure got me laughing!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Marriage! "Mawiage is what bwings us togevah, today!"
Recently, my husband and I celebrated our 10th anniversary together. Sometimes it seems like that whirlwind of our first year together is still fresh in my memory and other times, I can hardly remember what it was like to be that person!
I have been asked many times over the last decade how me “make it work”. I'm often met with the “wows” when I mention how long I've been with my husband. The divorce rates in our country are shockingly high (http://www.divorcerate.org/ ) so I guess it shouldn't surprise me that I get that reaction. But it does and it also makes me kind of sad. There is nothing in the world like having a strong marriage and it's something that I feel every couple deserves to have.
In our society today, there seems to this notion that a good marriage looks like a sitcom. You know what I mean, the idea that if it's “really real” all will be sunshine and cupcakes? That you'll wake up in love every day, that all arguments end with a heartwarming moral lesson and fabulous make-up sex? True love, according to apparent expectations, is all sparkles and roses. Here is where my readers would hear snorting if they could only “hear” my writing. PUHlease.
What a ridiculous load of crap. True love, marriage and everything that comes with it is hard work. Blood, sweat and tears hard work. My husband and I are not lucky, special or particularly gifted individuals. Nope. We are just committed to loving one another. I don't mean to make it sound as if it's a trivial thing; it's just that it's not terribly complicated. Simplicity and ease, however, do not necessarily go hand in hand. I am utterly thrilled with my marriage (most days, haha) but it hasn't always been that way and it wouldn't surprise me if, at some point in the future, I find myself questioning it again. See, I'm married to a person and that person, silly boy that he is, married me: another person. People are a pain in the ass, have you noticed?
Perhaps a good place to start with answering “what makes it work” is to define “True Love”. What the heck is true love, anyway? To be completely frank, if you are thinking of TWOO WUV, as perpetuated by Disney, it's a MYTH. True love isn't butterflies in the tummy (though they are nice) and it's not about knights in shining armor, good vs evil or pretty, pretty princesses that need rescuing. I'm sure many people have their own ideas about what true love really is so I'll just share mine and leave the definition open to comments. For me, true love between a man and a woman is completely impossible to put into words, lol. I will say that I knew it was real the first time I was so angry with my husband that I wanted, desperately, to bash his head in yet still couldn't imagine my life without him. I think what defines true love is the commitment. If it's not worth fighting tooth and nail for, it's not True Love. There's the butterflies-in-the-tummy love, which comes and goes along with hormonal surges and circumstances. I think it's fair to say that if that is NEVER present, we're in trouble. There is also the love that says, “I've picked your dirty socks up off the floor 16478980 times over the last 10 years and I will continue to do so, no matter how much it irritates me, because I love you”. Really, if that's not true love, I don't know what is!
Seriously, though, while the basic idea behind a healthy marriage (commitment) is simple, actually putting it into practice is anything but. I can't really say there is any one magic thing that will make a marriage work but there are a few things that most would agree are paramount to a healthy relationship. Those are communication, trust and a healthy sense of individuality.
I feel that trust and communication are two sides of the same coin. Without trust, there isn't any real communication and unfortunately, without communication it's nearly impossible (if not completely so) to build any trust. A friend of mine and I were talking a couple of weeks ago about this relationship that had sort of gone south for her. One of the things that was really bothering her was that her beau wouldn't really talk to her or open up about himself. I know that this is partly something that women are just more likely to do than men. We talk about everything! But men (at least in my experience) aren't as likely to open up and talk about how they feel and for most of us women that isn't cool. Why? Because we need to feel like he trusts US. It stands to reason that if someone won't open up to me, it's because they don't trust me enough to feel safe to do so. If a person doesn't trust me enough to be real with me, then I start to feel like maybe I shouldn't trust them, either. That's when communication utterly breaks down and when we're talking a marriage, well, a relationship like that isn't going to last. The flip side of this, though, is that women tend to broadcast their feelings in a myriad of ways, words being sort of at the bottom of the list. Yes, we talk. But we talk with our expressions, how we laugh, the way we tilt our head, hold our eyes or even how we smile.
In my marriage the feminine ability to “broadcast” with my whole body tends to get me into trouble because I find that I often expect him to just “get” what I want and when he's utterly clueless it frustrates me. I mean, it works with my “sisters”, right? My husband isn't one of my girlfriends so subtle communicators don't tend to register on his mandar. I have to be willing to take a deep breath, step back from my emotions and just talk plainly to him. One of my sisters made a good point to me, too: We can't expect him to just know what we want! No matter how badly I might want to just beam from my brain to his what it is I want or need him to do, it doesn't work.
She made another excellent point, regarding trust, that I have been musing on all day. She was talking about how being willing to just accept an apology even when she wants to make him pay (and we all struggle with this!) is a big factor in her marriage. It definitely is for me, too, and I suspect that it is for our husbands, as well. She made the point that intent is something we shouldn't loose sight of; we should be able to trust that our spouses aren't trying to hurt us or piss us off. I feel that we should also be willing to trust that our spouses really want to hear what we have to say and that they should be able to trust that the same is true of us. We see here, then, how trust and real communication are absolutely not mutually exclusive. Two sides, same coin.
What about that healthy sense of individuality? How does that fit into a marriage? Aren't the two supposed to become one? Isn't it all about creating a new family? Of course it is! Consider, though, an old-fashioned A-framed house. If the two main walls creating that house were smashed together in the middle, so that they touched from base to top, there wouldn't be a house, would there? Worse, the structure would just topple over and cease to be anything but a big mess. However, two strong, sturdy walls, tilted in towards each other, so that they “kiss” at the top, make a strong house. I think this principle holds true in a marriage. I think it's very important for each partner to have a strong sense of who they are without their partner because who they are all by themselves is all that they have to bring into their marriage. Not only that, but without a little self-preservation, one looses their sense of self and the marriage becomes suffocating. I think too many of us, men and women alike, forget that we love an individual. We didn't marry someone so that we could change them into us. They didn't marry us because we were them in a different package. Our individuality is what makes and keeps us interesting. I think accepting and being comfortable with my spouse having and interests of his own, that doesn't always include me, is another aspect of trust. I appreciate his tolerance of me doing the same, too. As such I never feel like I'm being squelched with him and I hope he feels the same. It hasn't always been that way. I think women are more prone to utterly freaking out over their man having a life of his own, particularly in the beginning of the relationship. For me, I was just afraid he'd leave. I had very little self esteem and was convinced he was settling and good God, what if he was out for hours because he secretly hates me?! Again with the trust,eh? I had to learn to trust, to let go. And when I did, lol, he was MUCH happier!
Thoughts? What makes your marriage/relationship strong?
I have been asked many times over the last decade how me “make it work”. I'm often met with the “wows” when I mention how long I've been with my husband. The divorce rates in our country are shockingly high (http://www.divorcerate.org/ ) so I guess it shouldn't surprise me that I get that reaction. But it does and it also makes me kind of sad. There is nothing in the world like having a strong marriage and it's something that I feel every couple deserves to have.
In our society today, there seems to this notion that a good marriage looks like a sitcom. You know what I mean, the idea that if it's “really real” all will be sunshine and cupcakes? That you'll wake up in love every day, that all arguments end with a heartwarming moral lesson and fabulous make-up sex? True love, according to apparent expectations, is all sparkles and roses. Here is where my readers would hear snorting if they could only “hear” my writing. PUHlease.
What a ridiculous load of crap. True love, marriage and everything that comes with it is hard work. Blood, sweat and tears hard work. My husband and I are not lucky, special or particularly gifted individuals. Nope. We are just committed to loving one another. I don't mean to make it sound as if it's a trivial thing; it's just that it's not terribly complicated. Simplicity and ease, however, do not necessarily go hand in hand. I am utterly thrilled with my marriage (most days, haha) but it hasn't always been that way and it wouldn't surprise me if, at some point in the future, I find myself questioning it again. See, I'm married to a person and that person, silly boy that he is, married me: another person. People are a pain in the ass, have you noticed?
Perhaps a good place to start with answering “what makes it work” is to define “True Love”. What the heck is true love, anyway? To be completely frank, if you are thinking of TWOO WUV, as perpetuated by Disney, it's a MYTH. True love isn't butterflies in the tummy (though they are nice) and it's not about knights in shining armor, good vs evil or pretty, pretty princesses that need rescuing. I'm sure many people have their own ideas about what true love really is so I'll just share mine and leave the definition open to comments. For me, true love between a man and a woman is completely impossible to put into words, lol. I will say that I knew it was real the first time I was so angry with my husband that I wanted, desperately, to bash his head in yet still couldn't imagine my life without him. I think what defines true love is the commitment. If it's not worth fighting tooth and nail for, it's not True Love. There's the butterflies-in-the-tummy love, which comes and goes along with hormonal surges and circumstances. I think it's fair to say that if that is NEVER present, we're in trouble. There is also the love that says, “I've picked your dirty socks up off the floor 16478980 times over the last 10 years and I will continue to do so, no matter how much it irritates me, because I love you”. Really, if that's not true love, I don't know what is!
Seriously, though, while the basic idea behind a healthy marriage (commitment) is simple, actually putting it into practice is anything but. I can't really say there is any one magic thing that will make a marriage work but there are a few things that most would agree are paramount to a healthy relationship. Those are communication, trust and a healthy sense of individuality.
I feel that trust and communication are two sides of the same coin. Without trust, there isn't any real communication and unfortunately, without communication it's nearly impossible (if not completely so) to build any trust. A friend of mine and I were talking a couple of weeks ago about this relationship that had sort of gone south for her. One of the things that was really bothering her was that her beau wouldn't really talk to her or open up about himself. I know that this is partly something that women are just more likely to do than men. We talk about everything! But men (at least in my experience) aren't as likely to open up and talk about how they feel and for most of us women that isn't cool. Why? Because we need to feel like he trusts US. It stands to reason that if someone won't open up to me, it's because they don't trust me enough to feel safe to do so. If a person doesn't trust me enough to be real with me, then I start to feel like maybe I shouldn't trust them, either. That's when communication utterly breaks down and when we're talking a marriage, well, a relationship like that isn't going to last. The flip side of this, though, is that women tend to broadcast their feelings in a myriad of ways, words being sort of at the bottom of the list. Yes, we talk. But we talk with our expressions, how we laugh, the way we tilt our head, hold our eyes or even how we smile.
In my marriage the feminine ability to “broadcast” with my whole body tends to get me into trouble because I find that I often expect him to just “get” what I want and when he's utterly clueless it frustrates me. I mean, it works with my “sisters”, right? My husband isn't one of my girlfriends so subtle communicators don't tend to register on his mandar. I have to be willing to take a deep breath, step back from my emotions and just talk plainly to him. One of my sisters made a good point to me, too: We can't expect him to just know what we want! No matter how badly I might want to just beam from my brain to his what it is I want or need him to do, it doesn't work.
She made another excellent point, regarding trust, that I have been musing on all day. She was talking about how being willing to just accept an apology even when she wants to make him pay (and we all struggle with this!) is a big factor in her marriage. It definitely is for me, too, and I suspect that it is for our husbands, as well. She made the point that intent is something we shouldn't loose sight of; we should be able to trust that our spouses aren't trying to hurt us or piss us off. I feel that we should also be willing to trust that our spouses really want to hear what we have to say and that they should be able to trust that the same is true of us. We see here, then, how trust and real communication are absolutely not mutually exclusive. Two sides, same coin.
What about that healthy sense of individuality? How does that fit into a marriage? Aren't the two supposed to become one? Isn't it all about creating a new family? Of course it is! Consider, though, an old-fashioned A-framed house. If the two main walls creating that house were smashed together in the middle, so that they touched from base to top, there wouldn't be a house, would there? Worse, the structure would just topple over and cease to be anything but a big mess. However, two strong, sturdy walls, tilted in towards each other, so that they “kiss” at the top, make a strong house. I think this principle holds true in a marriage. I think it's very important for each partner to have a strong sense of who they are without their partner because who they are all by themselves is all that they have to bring into their marriage. Not only that, but without a little self-preservation, one looses their sense of self and the marriage becomes suffocating. I think too many of us, men and women alike, forget that we love an individual. We didn't marry someone so that we could change them into us. They didn't marry us because we were them in a different package. Our individuality is what makes and keeps us interesting. I think accepting and being comfortable with my spouse having and interests of his own, that doesn't always include me, is another aspect of trust. I appreciate his tolerance of me doing the same, too. As such I never feel like I'm being squelched with him and I hope he feels the same. It hasn't always been that way. I think women are more prone to utterly freaking out over their man having a life of his own, particularly in the beginning of the relationship. For me, I was just afraid he'd leave. I had very little self esteem and was convinced he was settling and good God, what if he was out for hours because he secretly hates me?! Again with the trust,eh? I had to learn to trust, to let go. And when I did, lol, he was MUCH happier!
Thoughts? What makes your marriage/relationship strong?
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Well I guess I AM lucky, then!
Today I had the OH SO FUN procedure of having an IUD "installed" (haha, I loved calling it that). I am a cyborg, now. :P Anyway, I was very nervous as I really can't stand vaginal exams of any kind and I was trying really hard to relax (because then, maybe, it wouldn't hurt?) and I think the midwife who was doing it for me picked up on my tension because she engaged me in very lively conversation regarding my favorite subject: birthing my children. I had used the practice way back when I had my first and she was curious to know why I didn't have my other two with them. I explained that I have this little thing about not EVER birthing in a hospital unless I have a good reason to. The conversation went on and somehow we got to talking about who I did use and do you know *this* person? Oh yes? And what about *that* one? Who did you have at your births? Oh you did your second YOURSELF (wtf, of course I did it myself, WHO ELSE IS GOING TO BIRTH MY BABY???)? ON PURPOSE (yes on purpose, for heaven's sake)? And so on and so forth. At one point she asked me something (I don't even remember what) and part of my answer was that I hate VE's and I absolutely will not allow them during labor/birthing. AT ALL. Her response was, "Oh. Well I guess it's lucky that you have short labors, then."
Um...what? And now, we get down the crux of the issue and the reason why I don't use them at all for birthing. Don't get me wrong, I love this practice, I've recommended it to many women and their online review got 4 glowing stars from me. HOWEVER, the practice is affiliated with a major hospital down here and there are SO MANY bull-shit things they "have" to do as part of that affiliation. All of the midwives are CNM's (and I have nothing against CNMs as a rule) and they tend to be more medically minded than I, personally, am comfortable with. Here is a young midwife, suggesting to me that it's a GOOD thing that I have short labors because I don't allow VE's. The implication being that if I DID have long labors, I would need an exam. PUHLEASE. There is only ONE time during labor that a cervical check is even appropriate, and that's IF IF IF labor is NOT progressing NORMALLY. Excuse all of my caps but the more I think about this, the more irritated it makes me.
I AM lucky I have short labors, but it's NOT because there wasn't anybody there to shove their fingers up my hoo-ha, breaking my concentration and causing me a lot of pain for NO GOOD REASON. It's because it means that labor didn't take all damn day!
Women of the world, partners of the women, please hear this and do a little digging to verify what I say: Cervical checks pre-labor and during labor are, 99% of the time, a complete and utter waste of time at best and at worst a triggering, awful experience that can quickly spiral a happily laboring woman right down into the pit of despair. THEY DO NOT TELL YOU ANYTHING YOU CAN'T FIND OUT JUST BY LOOKING AT OR ASKING THE WOMAN IN LABOR.
A little known fact by lay-people (and apparently, by medicos, as well) is that how dilated a woman is at any given point is absolutely NO indication of how "well" she is doing OR when he baby is going to come out! The MYTH that the average woman dilates a centimeter an hour is LABOR MATH. It means NOTHING. It is a) a lie and b) completely false. Oh wait, that's the same thing, isn't it? SOME women dilate at that rate. Some women get halfway there before even starting labor. Still more women get halfway there in 24hrs and THEN go from 4/5 cms to birthing in an hour! The midwife and mother knowing how dilated mom is doesn't DO anything except set up expectations that her body has no need or reason to honor!
I could rant about this all day. Instead I will give you a link to a MUCH better written article about it, by someone more qualified than myself (a practicing midwife): http://www.nurturingheartsbirthservices.com/blog/?p=50 EXCELLENT POST, I might add, and a HEARTY "Huzzah!".
Another thing. I am a survivor of molestation. In my case, a family member made medical pretenses for needing to stick his fingers into my vagina on many occasions so I have completely valid and utterly unrelated reasons for despising vaginal exams, particularly when I'm doing something as intimate and PRIVATE as giving birth. I know that I am not alone in this, that birth tends to bring to the surface abuse issues anyway. Women, you do not have to put up with this. There is literally no reason to ruin such a triumphant experience with a procedure that makes you uncomfortable. Believe me, the baby is coming out. If the midwife really wants to know what is going on, she should either pay attention to what you are doing or she can ask you because YOU will know when that heads starts coming down. Trust me on that one, lol. There isn't any mistaking it. OH LOOK something the size of a watermelon is coming out of my vag! I think the baby's coming! Quick, stick a finger up there and verify it for me, ok? *snort* Please.
When I had my first (with same practice, different midwife) I didn't know ANY of this. I mean, I knew a lot about natural birth. I just had no idea that VE's would HURT and that they would piss me off. I had a fabulous birth experience with my first except that the thing that stands out in my memory is NOT labor pain (and that was pitocen augmented, I might add). It was the pain of having the Midwife "give me a stretch" to help me finish dilating because I was pushing! That hurt possibly more than anything I've ever experienced (and I've got a broken bone and an infected tooth nerve on my list, here!) and there was NO REASON FOR IT. I knew that much, anyway. You can't tell me I have a "lip" that needs to be pushed aside when I've been in transition for less than 20 minutes, lady, I did my homework.
I guess I'm just still flabbergasted that there are MIDWIVES out there that don't REALLY trust birth. I mean, I know it, I read lots of blogs by midwives, but my personal experience with them is minimal and the midwife that almost attended my son's birth (she missed it by mere minutes!) just wasn't like that. At all. I said no VE's she said "Great, I don't like them myself". RIGHT ON. Useless and invasive, is what they are, not helpful. I want a midwife that respects me enough to expect me to know my body as a rule, not as the exception. I want a midwife that expects me to know what I'm doing, not to have to "teach" me everything. I certainly don't want a midwife telling me what I HAVE to do while I'm in labor or that I'm "lucky" I didn't NEED some useless intervention.
I guess, in the end, I'm LUCKY that I trust myself well enough to know what I don't want and to stick with it. Though, truthfully, "luck" has nothing to do with it. Hard work, determination and respect for myself are more like it.
Um...what? And now, we get down the crux of the issue and the reason why I don't use them at all for birthing. Don't get me wrong, I love this practice, I've recommended it to many women and their online review got 4 glowing stars from me. HOWEVER, the practice is affiliated with a major hospital down here and there are SO MANY bull-shit things they "have" to do as part of that affiliation. All of the midwives are CNM's (and I have nothing against CNMs as a rule) and they tend to be more medically minded than I, personally, am comfortable with. Here is a young midwife, suggesting to me that it's a GOOD thing that I have short labors because I don't allow VE's. The implication being that if I DID have long labors, I would need an exam. PUHLEASE. There is only ONE time during labor that a cervical check is even appropriate, and that's IF IF IF labor is NOT progressing NORMALLY. Excuse all of my caps but the more I think about this, the more irritated it makes me.
I AM lucky I have short labors, but it's NOT because there wasn't anybody there to shove their fingers up my hoo-ha, breaking my concentration and causing me a lot of pain for NO GOOD REASON. It's because it means that labor didn't take all damn day!
Women of the world, partners of the women, please hear this and do a little digging to verify what I say: Cervical checks pre-labor and during labor are, 99% of the time, a complete and utter waste of time at best and at worst a triggering, awful experience that can quickly spiral a happily laboring woman right down into the pit of despair. THEY DO NOT TELL YOU ANYTHING YOU CAN'T FIND OUT JUST BY LOOKING AT OR ASKING THE WOMAN IN LABOR.
A little known fact by lay-people (and apparently, by medicos, as well) is that how dilated a woman is at any given point is absolutely NO indication of how "well" she is doing OR when he baby is going to come out! The MYTH that the average woman dilates a centimeter an hour is LABOR MATH. It means NOTHING. It is a) a lie and b) completely false. Oh wait, that's the same thing, isn't it? SOME women dilate at that rate. Some women get halfway there before even starting labor. Still more women get halfway there in 24hrs and THEN go from 4/5 cms to birthing in an hour! The midwife and mother knowing how dilated mom is doesn't DO anything except set up expectations that her body has no need or reason to honor!
I could rant about this all day. Instead I will give you a link to a MUCH better written article about it, by someone more qualified than myself (a practicing midwife): http://www.nurturingheartsbirthservices.com/blog/?p=50 EXCELLENT POST, I might add, and a HEARTY "Huzzah!".
Another thing. I am a survivor of molestation. In my case, a family member made medical pretenses for needing to stick his fingers into my vagina on many occasions so I have completely valid and utterly unrelated reasons for despising vaginal exams, particularly when I'm doing something as intimate and PRIVATE as giving birth. I know that I am not alone in this, that birth tends to bring to the surface abuse issues anyway. Women, you do not have to put up with this. There is literally no reason to ruin such a triumphant experience with a procedure that makes you uncomfortable. Believe me, the baby is coming out. If the midwife really wants to know what is going on, she should either pay attention to what you are doing or she can ask you because YOU will know when that heads starts coming down. Trust me on that one, lol. There isn't any mistaking it. OH LOOK something the size of a watermelon is coming out of my vag! I think the baby's coming! Quick, stick a finger up there and verify it for me, ok? *snort* Please.
When I had my first (with same practice, different midwife) I didn't know ANY of this. I mean, I knew a lot about natural birth. I just had no idea that VE's would HURT and that they would piss me off. I had a fabulous birth experience with my first except that the thing that stands out in my memory is NOT labor pain (and that was pitocen augmented, I might add). It was the pain of having the Midwife "give me a stretch" to help me finish dilating because I was pushing! That hurt possibly more than anything I've ever experienced (and I've got a broken bone and an infected tooth nerve on my list, here!) and there was NO REASON FOR IT. I knew that much, anyway. You can't tell me I have a "lip" that needs to be pushed aside when I've been in transition for less than 20 minutes, lady, I did my homework.
I guess I'm just still flabbergasted that there are MIDWIVES out there that don't REALLY trust birth. I mean, I know it, I read lots of blogs by midwives, but my personal experience with them is minimal and the midwife that almost attended my son's birth (she missed it by mere minutes!) just wasn't like that. At all. I said no VE's she said "Great, I don't like them myself". RIGHT ON. Useless and invasive, is what they are, not helpful. I want a midwife that respects me enough to expect me to know my body as a rule, not as the exception. I want a midwife that expects me to know what I'm doing, not to have to "teach" me everything. I certainly don't want a midwife telling me what I HAVE to do while I'm in labor or that I'm "lucky" I didn't NEED some useless intervention.
I guess, in the end, I'm LUCKY that I trust myself well enough to know what I don't want and to stick with it. Though, truthfully, "luck" has nothing to do with it. Hard work, determination and respect for myself are more like it.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
The Great Debate Spirals Down into Whining...
I don't know why this happens but it seems like in any given week, there is a topic theme that's repeated over and over again across the blogs I read. I think what happens is that many of my friends read blogs similar to theirs and so on and so forth so people tend to "discuss" the same things as they are inspired by their reading material. Last night I came across many breastfeeding related posts on Facebook while battling insomnia (yay for not sleeping!).
While perusing Woman Uncensored's Facebook, I followed a link over to SquishyBumMum's Facebook to read a really good quote that started a lovely debate (of course) that spanned 78 comments!
The quote was this: "When we trust the makers of baby formula more than we do our own ability to nourish our babies, we lose a chance to claim an aspect of our power as women. Thinking that baby formula is as good as breastmilk is believing that thirty years of technology is superior to three million years of nature's evolution."
~ Christine Northrup M.D.
Then a comment that basically read, "But women shouldn't be made to feel inferior for not breastfeeding" and many that said "but someone women can't breastfeed" and still more that suggested that telling the TRUTH (oh, suggesting that we give up our power when we believe that formula is as good or superior to breastmilk) is making women feel attacked or inferior.
It goes on and I saw a lot of good points made.
Before I get started on my little rant, allow me to remind my readers that my son, 6mo old on Wednesday of next week, is formula fed, 100%. So believe me when I say that I "get" where these women are coming from. The reasons why he's formula fed aren't really relevant to this discussion but if anyone wants to know, just ask I'm happy to share (and no, it's not because I'm lazy, uneducated or believe formula is "Just as good or superior").
I am a STAUNCH supporter of breastfeeding and I will always be so. As a formula feeder, now, I am STILL a militant breastfeeder at heart. I believe this attitude is paramount to normalizing breastfeeding in our society and I will shout "breast is best" from the rooftops until the day I die. I feel very passionately about this issue so don't any of you think otherwise, mkay?
Anyway, to go on. So the whining started early and I say whining for a reason. Nowhere in that quote is anyone suggesting that women that breastfeed are superior mothers to those who don't. Nowhere does it suggest that people who choose to formula feed are...well, anything! It simply states that believing formula is better than breastmilk has further implications than just being misinformed. It's not a judgmental statement on anyone's character at all. It's just a statement of fact. So the people who read that and MUST project their own feelings of insecurity into the discussion as if they were attacked are WHINING. Yes, I just made a judgement.
The reality is that yes, many women are not able to breastfeed for a variety of reasons and as a formula feeding mother I get very tired of the 2% of all women statistic. It's true that only 2-3% of the world's women are physically incapable of breastfeeding, I don't argue it. I'm just sick of seeing that statistic thrown out willy-nilly. And don't tell me it's not used in a subtle "I bet you really could have if you tried" kind of way because I KNOW it is because I've been reading Mommy blogs n Mommy groups for YEARS (and I'll tell you that particularly when I was a new mommy to my first baby, I was happily tossing that statistic out in flame-wars, myself). Now, 2-3% doesn't sound like much, I admit. However, if you take the approx number of women in the world in 2007 and multiply it by .02, you get a grand total of 65,836,100 who will, in theory, be physically incapable of breastfeeding due to a defect of some kind or disease or you know, breasts that don't work. That is actually a LOT of people so chances are good, that some of these people we throw that statistic at actually ARE among the "very rare" women who literally CAN'T breastfeed. But that isn't really my issue with that statistic, though I think seeing the numbers like that may help breastfeeding supporters be more compassionate and less likely to just blow hurting women off. I think it is vital we approach this issue with tact and LOVE because many women are truly hurting or suffering from the inner fear that they ARE inferior! No, my problem with that statistic is it only covers a fraction of the reasons why women don't breastfeed. It does not, for example, touch women with serious medical conditions that need to be medicated (like women with severe Bipolar Disorder or certain diseases/auto immune disorders/congenital problems) in order to be functional women in society. Many of the medications these women need to take are not SAFE to feed their babies via the breast. I know some of these women, they are EXCELLENT mothers so don't you DARE suggest they just shouldn't have children, then. It doesn't cover situations like my own, where it's not the mother that is unable to breastfeed, it's the BABY. And sadly, it doesn't touch on the women my heart actually goes out to the most: women who cannot because they HAVE to work and pumping isn't working for them, or don't have the support networks they NEED in the workplace to breastfeed and work. My heart sings for them the loudest because THAT problem is fixable, rampant, and counts for FAR more FF mothers than we like to hear. So I get tired of hearing that because women that then stomp off in a huff because their feelings are hurt in many cases are just plain being dismissed and that's not fair.
However, back to my original point. The problem I have with the WHINING is that stating that facts does NOT mean you're inferior for choosing to formula feed!!!! It could very well be that you were misinformed. OR it could be that you have a damn good reason. There are MANY reasons why mothers choose to formula feed and if YOU choose not to for ANY REASON AT ALL, own it. Stop acting like information meant to inform and empower you is an attack. Believe me, there are staunch supporters for breastfeeding like myself running around with formula in their diaper bags. It's not about making women FEEL BAD. It's about empowering women to make informed choices. It's about empowering women to be confident mothers who know what is BEST for their babies all around. It's about spreading the INFORMATION that breastmilk is far, far superior for the health and well-being of our babies AND ourselves!
I formula feed and I'm not ashamed of it. I also breastfeed and I will tell you that my first thought upon reading that quote was "DAMN STRAIGHT, tell it like it is!". I don't feel inferior or looked down upon and there is NO reason why any women SHOULD just from reading that or any other pro-breastfeeding information. If any of my readers feels badly because they ff, you need to sit down and feel out the reasons WHY.
Do you feel badly because your breasts don't work? If so please, please be kind to yourself, it's NOT your fault and nobody with any sense is going to tell you it is. We understand, you're an awesome mom and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!
Is it because you just couldn't make pumping work? If so, I know MANY women, including myself, in that situation and my heart goes out to you. It's NOT as easy as some make it sound and you did your best. The FACTS are that the "breastpump" in general was designed by a dairy farmer (male) and an engineer (male) and they based it around how to get milk out of a COW. I don't know if any of you have noticed, but we're NOT COWS. So yeah, MANY women find the pumps of today "udderly" inadequate for keeping up a supply :P. Again, be kind to yourself, let it go, love yourself. It's ok. Cuddle your child while feed him/her and smile because you are STILL a fantastic mother and NOBODY thinks otherwise.
Is it because you honestly didn't try hard enough? Ok, so you didn't try hard enough! Listen, nobody is perfect! We all make mistakes! The problem comes in when we don't learn from them. It doesn't make you an inferior mother but projecting that feeling of insecurity on people trying to HELP other women NOT make that mistakes DOES make you a whiner! Sorry for saying so, but I don't do unicorn farts, ok? You're still a great mom! Now you simply have an opportunity to be a greater person, in a way, because NOW you have the power to go out and share what you have LEARNED from that and empower other women to do the same! Furthermore, should you be blessed with other children, you have the power to make different choices based on the knowledge someone risked offending you by posting an "inflammatory" quote.
And what about those of you that had such difficult time, were in SO much pain, sick, etc etc? Honey, you do what you have to do and own it in the process. If you still feel you made the best decision, all things in your life considered, that's on you and nobody can take that from you unless you LET them. The only thing I would say to you is that you that it might be a good idea, when you are ready, to see what could have been done differently. Find out the WHYs of your problem. Sometimes just knowing that you did all you could is enough. Sometimes finding out that the problem could have been surmountable if x, y or z were in place is healing in it's own right (I know it was for my mother!). It is also a positive thing for your daughters and your sister women. They don't need to hear "but breastfeeders think I'm inferior". What they need to hear is "my situation sucked here's what I did...and here's what I learned through it".
Are you upset because you have some living situation/working situation that pretty much made breastfeeding impossible and you will mourn it forever? Honey, you are not alone! Instead of being offended, please, PLEASE speak OUT about how angry and hurt you are over this issue. Our society BENEFITS from hearing your righteous outrage over how your right as a mother and your child's right as a person was denied you because of a completely un-supportive system. Here you are, doing your best to raise your kids and you just CAN'T do what is in your heart because there are so many walls in your way! Raise awareness, nod your head and get out there and make yourself heard! These quotes aren't meant to piss you off, they are meant to inspire you, meant to empower you and meant to make you know that you are NOT alone with your inner wisdom. You were RIGHT.
So, to round up my post (and if you've stuck with me so far, brownie points to you!): Someone made a comment in the post that I heartily agree with, both as a lactivist AND formula feeder. Mothers need to work together and support each other. Formula feeders, if your friends are lactivists, that is a GOOD THING. It's not a personal attack on you, after all, they are your FRIENDS. I'm sure how you feed your baby is not the ONLY criteria that made your friendship to start with (and if it is, there is a problem, lol).
Lactivists, for heaven's sake, please take a minute and think about how you present things to you readers/friends. If someone is telling you that they are hurt, take a minute and think before flying off the cuff with statistics or ranting. Think to yourself, "What's her story?" ASK HER. Talk to her. It is my belief that really hearing your sisters and supporting them, even if it means gently telling them they could have done this or that and maybe had success, is THE pivotal point of lactivism. The reality is that we are NOT going to stop big business. What we CAN affect is the consumers. They are our sisters, our neighbors and our daughters. Be compassionate. LISTEN. Choose your words with care. Someone who is even participating in the discussion has an interest, try no to chase her away by being unwittingly callous in your enthusiasm. I speak from experience, I've hurt people unintentionally, I've sent people packing. It's NOT effective.
Mothers, keep up the good work! ALL of you!
While perusing Woman Uncensored's Facebook, I followed a link over to SquishyBumMum's Facebook to read a really good quote that started a lovely debate (of course) that spanned 78 comments!
The quote was this: "When we trust the makers of baby formula more than we do our own ability to nourish our babies, we lose a chance to claim an aspect of our power as women. Thinking that baby formula is as good as breastmilk is believing that thirty years of technology is superior to three million years of nature's evolution."
~ Christine Northrup M.D.
Then a comment that basically read, "But women shouldn't be made to feel inferior for not breastfeeding" and many that said "but someone women can't breastfeed" and still more that suggested that telling the TRUTH (oh, suggesting that we give up our power when we believe that formula is as good or superior to breastmilk) is making women feel attacked or inferior.
It goes on and I saw a lot of good points made.
Before I get started on my little rant, allow me to remind my readers that my son, 6mo old on Wednesday of next week, is formula fed, 100%. So believe me when I say that I "get" where these women are coming from. The reasons why he's formula fed aren't really relevant to this discussion but if anyone wants to know, just ask I'm happy to share (and no, it's not because I'm lazy, uneducated or believe formula is "Just as good or superior").
I am a STAUNCH supporter of breastfeeding and I will always be so. As a formula feeder, now, I am STILL a militant breastfeeder at heart. I believe this attitude is paramount to normalizing breastfeeding in our society and I will shout "breast is best" from the rooftops until the day I die. I feel very passionately about this issue so don't any of you think otherwise, mkay?
Anyway, to go on. So the whining started early and I say whining for a reason. Nowhere in that quote is anyone suggesting that women that breastfeed are superior mothers to those who don't. Nowhere does it suggest that people who choose to formula feed are...well, anything! It simply states that believing formula is better than breastmilk has further implications than just being misinformed. It's not a judgmental statement on anyone's character at all. It's just a statement of fact. So the people who read that and MUST project their own feelings of insecurity into the discussion as if they were attacked are WHINING. Yes, I just made a judgement.
The reality is that yes, many women are not able to breastfeed for a variety of reasons and as a formula feeding mother I get very tired of the 2% of all women statistic. It's true that only 2-3% of the world's women are physically incapable of breastfeeding, I don't argue it. I'm just sick of seeing that statistic thrown out willy-nilly. And don't tell me it's not used in a subtle "I bet you really could have if you tried" kind of way because I KNOW it is because I've been reading Mommy blogs n Mommy groups for YEARS (and I'll tell you that particularly when I was a new mommy to my first baby, I was happily tossing that statistic out in flame-wars, myself). Now, 2-3% doesn't sound like much, I admit. However, if you take the approx number of women in the world in 2007 and multiply it by .02, you get a grand total of 65,836,100 who will, in theory, be physically incapable of breastfeeding due to a defect of some kind or disease or you know, breasts that don't work. That is actually a LOT of people so chances are good, that some of these people we throw that statistic at actually ARE among the "very rare" women who literally CAN'T breastfeed. But that isn't really my issue with that statistic, though I think seeing the numbers like that may help breastfeeding supporters be more compassionate and less likely to just blow hurting women off. I think it is vital we approach this issue with tact and LOVE because many women are truly hurting or suffering from the inner fear that they ARE inferior! No, my problem with that statistic is it only covers a fraction of the reasons why women don't breastfeed. It does not, for example, touch women with serious medical conditions that need to be medicated (like women with severe Bipolar Disorder or certain diseases/auto immune disorders/congenital problems) in order to be functional women in society. Many of the medications these women need to take are not SAFE to feed their babies via the breast. I know some of these women, they are EXCELLENT mothers so don't you DARE suggest they just shouldn't have children, then. It doesn't cover situations like my own, where it's not the mother that is unable to breastfeed, it's the BABY. And sadly, it doesn't touch on the women my heart actually goes out to the most: women who cannot because they HAVE to work and pumping isn't working for them, or don't have the support networks they NEED in the workplace to breastfeed and work. My heart sings for them the loudest because THAT problem is fixable, rampant, and counts for FAR more FF mothers than we like to hear. So I get tired of hearing that because women that then stomp off in a huff because their feelings are hurt in many cases are just plain being dismissed and that's not fair.
However, back to my original point. The problem I have with the WHINING is that stating that facts does NOT mean you're inferior for choosing to formula feed!!!! It could very well be that you were misinformed. OR it could be that you have a damn good reason. There are MANY reasons why mothers choose to formula feed and if YOU choose not to for ANY REASON AT ALL, own it. Stop acting like information meant to inform and empower you is an attack. Believe me, there are staunch supporters for breastfeeding like myself running around with formula in their diaper bags. It's not about making women FEEL BAD. It's about empowering women to make informed choices. It's about empowering women to be confident mothers who know what is BEST for their babies all around. It's about spreading the INFORMATION that breastmilk is far, far superior for the health and well-being of our babies AND ourselves!
I formula feed and I'm not ashamed of it. I also breastfeed and I will tell you that my first thought upon reading that quote was "DAMN STRAIGHT, tell it like it is!". I don't feel inferior or looked down upon and there is NO reason why any women SHOULD just from reading that or any other pro-breastfeeding information. If any of my readers feels badly because they ff, you need to sit down and feel out the reasons WHY.
Do you feel badly because your breasts don't work? If so please, please be kind to yourself, it's NOT your fault and nobody with any sense is going to tell you it is. We understand, you're an awesome mom and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!
Is it because you just couldn't make pumping work? If so, I know MANY women, including myself, in that situation and my heart goes out to you. It's NOT as easy as some make it sound and you did your best. The FACTS are that the "breastpump" in general was designed by a dairy farmer (male) and an engineer (male) and they based it around how to get milk out of a COW. I don't know if any of you have noticed, but we're NOT COWS. So yeah, MANY women find the pumps of today "udderly" inadequate for keeping up a supply :P. Again, be kind to yourself, let it go, love yourself. It's ok. Cuddle your child while feed him/her and smile because you are STILL a fantastic mother and NOBODY thinks otherwise.
Is it because you honestly didn't try hard enough? Ok, so you didn't try hard enough! Listen, nobody is perfect! We all make mistakes! The problem comes in when we don't learn from them. It doesn't make you an inferior mother but projecting that feeling of insecurity on people trying to HELP other women NOT make that mistakes DOES make you a whiner! Sorry for saying so, but I don't do unicorn farts, ok? You're still a great mom! Now you simply have an opportunity to be a greater person, in a way, because NOW you have the power to go out and share what you have LEARNED from that and empower other women to do the same! Furthermore, should you be blessed with other children, you have the power to make different choices based on the knowledge someone risked offending you by posting an "inflammatory" quote.
And what about those of you that had such difficult time, were in SO much pain, sick, etc etc? Honey, you do what you have to do and own it in the process. If you still feel you made the best decision, all things in your life considered, that's on you and nobody can take that from you unless you LET them. The only thing I would say to you is that you that it might be a good idea, when you are ready, to see what could have been done differently. Find out the WHYs of your problem. Sometimes just knowing that you did all you could is enough. Sometimes finding out that the problem could have been surmountable if x, y or z were in place is healing in it's own right (I know it was for my mother!). It is also a positive thing for your daughters and your sister women. They don't need to hear "but breastfeeders think I'm inferior". What they need to hear is "my situation sucked here's what I did...and here's what I learned through it".
Are you upset because you have some living situation/working situation that pretty much made breastfeeding impossible and you will mourn it forever? Honey, you are not alone! Instead of being offended, please, PLEASE speak OUT about how angry and hurt you are over this issue. Our society BENEFITS from hearing your righteous outrage over how your right as a mother and your child's right as a person was denied you because of a completely un-supportive system. Here you are, doing your best to raise your kids and you just CAN'T do what is in your heart because there are so many walls in your way! Raise awareness, nod your head and get out there and make yourself heard! These quotes aren't meant to piss you off, they are meant to inspire you, meant to empower you and meant to make you know that you are NOT alone with your inner wisdom. You were RIGHT.
So, to round up my post (and if you've stuck with me so far, brownie points to you!): Someone made a comment in the post that I heartily agree with, both as a lactivist AND formula feeder. Mothers need to work together and support each other. Formula feeders, if your friends are lactivists, that is a GOOD THING. It's not a personal attack on you, after all, they are your FRIENDS. I'm sure how you feed your baby is not the ONLY criteria that made your friendship to start with (and if it is, there is a problem, lol).
Lactivists, for heaven's sake, please take a minute and think about how you present things to you readers/friends. If someone is telling you that they are hurt, take a minute and think before flying off the cuff with statistics or ranting. Think to yourself, "What's her story?" ASK HER. Talk to her. It is my belief that really hearing your sisters and supporting them, even if it means gently telling them they could have done this or that and maybe had success, is THE pivotal point of lactivism. The reality is that we are NOT going to stop big business. What we CAN affect is the consumers. They are our sisters, our neighbors and our daughters. Be compassionate. LISTEN. Choose your words with care. Someone who is even participating in the discussion has an interest, try no to chase her away by being unwittingly callous in your enthusiasm. I speak from experience, I've hurt people unintentionally, I've sent people packing. It's NOT effective.
Mothers, keep up the good work! ALL of you!
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